Family Reunions
by writer writing
Summary: Clark and Lois are engaged and have to meet their respective extended families.
1. Lane Reunion

"Now remember," Lois said, as she rode with Clark in a taxi, "the best thing for you to do is limit your conversation as much as possible. Oh and remember a strong handshake will go a long way with these people, just don't break their hands."

"These people?" Clark asked. "Is that any way to talk about your family?"

"My family? Yes. All Lanes are psychos. Present company excluded of course."

"Of course. So why is your reunion in Tennessee? I never really pictured you from a Southern family."

"I'm not. My grandfather retired there so everyone accommodates him, since he's the patriarch so to speak."

"Is your father going to be there?" Clark asked with a trace of nervousness.

"Don't worry about him. He likes you just fine."

"That's why when we called and told him we had gotten engaged, he threatened to tear me limb from limb and then—"

"He was surprised that's all."

"No one should ever throw that man a surprise party."

"Relax. How's he going to hurt you?"

"He'll find a way."

The taxi pulled up at a large park, where the shelter had been rented.

"Ready to go into the battle zone?" Lois quipped.

"Do I have to?"

"It's this or meet them at the wedding."

"We could elope."

"Come on, you big chicken."

They walked over to join the large family gathering. A few of the men were barbequing, among them General Lane.

"We're here," Lois called out to no one in particular.

"Come here," said an old man, sitting in a lawn chair. They went over. Lois shook his hand. "Hi, Grandpa."

"So this is your young man," he stated, offering his hand to Clark. Clark shook it. "You need to learn to strengthen that grip, young man. You've got a dead fish handshake."

Clark looked at Lois, wondering if he should really strengthen his grip on a 90 some year old man. Lois urged him on, so he strengthened.

Her grandfather removed his hand and shook it as if returning blood flow back into his hand. "Wow, son. That was pretty good. Use that grip all the time. It lets people know you're a force to be reckoned with." Someone else arrived. "Theresa, over here. Holler and let someone know when you arrive somewhere. You're not a mouse."

Lois dragged Clark away, so Theresa could report in.

"Lois!" Lucy called. She had saved them a spot at the picnic table.

"So like I was saying," said a middle-aged woman with big hair, "Wayne tells me after all these years, he's going to fire our cook and make me start doing it to save money and things. I told him right then and there that the Lanes have never produced a woman that could learn to cook. He told me that I was a Stewart now after 30 years of marriage. I didn't argue but he hired the cook back in less than a week."

There were chuckles.

A man came by and tapped Clark on the back, "Why are you hanging out with the womenfolk? Grab a spatula or come toss horseshoes."

"This is my cousin Ed," Lois introduced. "I would recommend horseshoes. The barbecuers have been doing it for years and they don't take kindly to adding new people."

Clark went to play horseshoes. They all argued and swore every time someone tossed a horseshoe. If the tosser missed, someone had distracted him. If they got it around the stake, the tosser cheated. Lois was definitely starting to look like an easygoing person.

When the hamburger and hotdogs were done, someone had brought an actual dinner bell to ring. Lois came over to him and whispered, "You know we'll have to sit with the General, don't you?"

"I was afraid of that," he whispered back.

It wasn't as bad as he thought it would be The General didn't say a word but would occasionally look in Clark's direction and growl. Lucy tried to keep thing extra friendly by chattering away.

After they were all done eating, he finally spoke, "Okay we have to plan a strategy."

"What strategy?" Clark asked before he could stop himself.

"I'm sorry I forgot to tell you, Clark," Lois said. "We have a competition between families. You, me, Daddy, and Lucy will be a team."

The General had silently lit a cigar. It made him seem more intimidating somehow. "If you were vigilant, you would have heard someone talking about it. If you're going to marry my daughter, you have to stay on your toes."

"I told you it was my fault," Lois said angrily.

"And that's another thing," he said without acknowledging Lois' comment. "You are getting the reputation of being a sissy. It's clear that Lois wears the pants in the relationship."

"We're not going to win by arguing," Lucy said.

"Quite right," the General answered. "Now there will be 5 games: the potato sack race, the 3-legged race, the egg toss, a pie eating contest, and a game of wits. There are 4 of us and 7 spots to fill. Lois, the game of wits this year is a rhyme game. You earn your living with words in this family, so you'll do that one."

"So does Clark," Lois interjected.

"Don't interrupt. I have always had the biggest appetite; I'll handle the pie-eating contest. Lucy, Lois, you can do the egg toss."

"What about Clark?" Lois asked.

"I'm sure he can't catch."

"He was a football player in high school."

"Catching an egg is a lot different than catching a football."

"Fine, then he can do one of the races."

"It'll have to be the potato sack race. It's taken you and Lucy years to get as in sync as you are. And you better win, Kent." He then got up to go find a sack for Clark.

Lois whispered to Clark, "Why do you look so afraid? You know you can win."

"Should I though?"

"Sure you should. My family will yell that you cheated but they'll respect you more in the long run."

"I can't believe these people are about to become my family."

"These people?" Lois smiled. "You learn to live with it. Chloe is so lucky she's not related to this side of the family."

"They're not that bad. I'm exaggerating a little."

"Tell me that at the end of the day."

They won everything but the egg toss, so they won the war and as competitive as the Lanes could be, war was the perfect word.

They stayed for a couple more hours. Clark learned about the unusually shaped mole in the unusual place that Uncle Ron had. He also learned that cousin Mary was suspected of shooting her fiancé but it had never been proven. He picked up that all Lanes seemed to go into the military or something equally violent and dangerous. He was glad when Lois was ready to leave.

"Sorry I had to do that to you," Lois apologized. "I know they can be a little much but if you marry a person, you marry their family. So do you want this ring back?"

"That depends. Do we have to go to this reunion every year?"

"I think we can find an excuse to get out of it every now and then."

"Then I guess you can hold onto it for a while longer," he laughed, putting an arm around her.

"I think my dad started to like you a little better after you won that race."

"How could you tell?"

"He didn't growl as much. Don't worry. Your family reunion is next week. I'm sure it will be much nicer and more relaxing."

"If you say so."

"Don't tell me the Kents aren't all wholesome people."

"They're wholesome but a little overwhelming."

"What does that mean?"

"You'll see."

"You're simply trying to get revenge."

He just smiled.

TBC


	2. Kent Reunion

"Gently," Lois admonished Clark. "Don't go driving over the bumps in the road like a speed demon. I'm carrying precious cargo." She patted the basket carved from a watermelon that held assorted fruit.

The Kent family reunion was only an hour from Smallville. Most Kents never left the Kansas farm land.

"I'm being careful. The watermelon basket is a nice idea but I'm warning you now, it's not going to impress Aunt Bertha and Aunt Myrtle."

"What was I supposed to do, Clark? You said they're professional taste testers and they can recognize anyone's cooking after they've had it once. They recognize yours. Anyone I got to cook for me that they didn't recognize would have to do it every year from now on. I couldn't bring something store-bought or something I cooked by combining ingredients because we know how that would have turned out. This was the only option I had and I can truthfully say I made it."

"I know."

"Hey, Clark, how about breaking down?"

"I had to go to your family reunion and if we feigned breaking down, someone would try to help us. Maybe even someone on their way to the reunion."

"Stupid Samaritans," Lois muttered. "Hey, Smallville, how do you know you're at a redneck family reunion?"

"I don't know."

"When you go to pick up girls."

"Funny but I wouldn't recommend telling that joke at the reunion."

"They don't have a sense of humor? I think it is legal to marry your 3rd cousin."

"In my opinion, if you know you're related, you're too close."

"At least you don't have to worry about accidentally dating a cousin."

"Because I'm getting married to you?"

"Well, that and you're not related by blood to anyone on Earth."

"Except for Kara."

"You know what I mean."

"We're here."

"No," Lois whined uncharacteristically. "I was expecting your mother to come along for some support. I don't want to go now."

"She had to work. I exaggerated when I told you about my family. Just pretend they're all copies of Jonathan and Martha Kent."

"That's creepy," she said but she got out and they headed for the white building.

"Back in the 1800s this used to be a church but they outgrew the building and moved down the road. Then around the early 1900s, it was converted into a schoolhouse and it served as a school until the 1950s. Then a bigger school had to be built. Now the town just rents it out for events. The Kents have been having their reunion here every year at least since I was a kid. I remember when I used to play on those swings, climb on those logs that fence in the property, and walk down to the river with a group of kids. Some of the adults go down there to fish, so they watched us."

"Thanks for the history lesson, Mr. Kent."

"Commit it to memory. There'll be a pop quiz tomorrow."

Lois set the basket down at the end of one of the many tables. They must have been the last ones to arrive. Lois saw 2 old ladies going around, sampling all the food. One was a heavyset woman with pepper gray hair piled high on her head. The other was a skinny redhead, whose wrinkles made it apparent that it was not her natural hair color. Clark told her the gray-haired lady was Bertha and Myrtle was the redhead. She anxiously watched the 2 women make their way down the table.

When they got to her basket, they frowned and Bertha asked, "Who made this?"

"I did," Lois answered. "I wasn't aware they were supposed to be labeled."

They weren't amused by her humor. "I assume you're Clark's fiancée," Myrtle said. "When you fix food for a reunion, it should be homemade, not a sculpture, dear."

Lois was about to say something not so polite in reply but Clark put an arm reassuringly around her and she remembered it was his family and just nodded. Bertha and Myrtle declared it was time to eat and everyone began to pile food on their plates. There was another room for eating in.

"If I didn't know this used to be a school," Lois said to Clark, as they sat down with their food. "I'd wonder why there's a chalkboard in the eating room and think that the Kents needed a diagram to show them how to eat."

A mother with her 2 little children sat across from them and she looked a little mad at the remark.

"I'm sorry," Lois apologized. "I'm about to become a Kent myself, so the joke was pointed at me too."

Lois took a bite out of her apple and it made a loud crunching noise in the now silent room.

"We haven't said grace," Clark whispered.

"What?" Lois whispered back.

"All of the family prays together," he told her.

Lois looked around the room. Everyone was looking at her. "Sorry, I didn't know."

"Clyde, can you lead the prayer please," Bertha asked.

"Thank you for this bounty, Lord and thank you for those who can't cook but do their best and for those who forget to say grace. We are grateful for family and this time we get to spend together. Amen."

Lois rolled her eyes and stabbed her fork into the macaroni. She had a feeling she was the 'those who can't cook' and 'those who forget'.

After the meal was over, she said to Clark, "I have to admit I wasn't too pleased with the homemade rule. I thought why not just have everyone chip in for some chicken at KFC but I like the rule now."

"I'm glad," Clark smiled. "So what do you want to do now? Go find relatives to talk to, so they can pinch my cheeks and tell me how much I've grown?"

"Sounds tempting but not really. If we were kids, I'd suggest swinging, balancing on the logs, going to the river to walk off the food, and then coming back to eat more. That's the way to spend a reunion."

"Then let's do it. I'm game."

"Are you serious? They'll think we're a few cards short of a full deck. They already think so highly of me."

"Since when do you care what people think?"

"Good point. Let the fun begin."

They swung until some kids came out and wanted a turn. They tightrope walked on the logs. Then they walked down to the river, where they sat on the shore and soaked their feet in the water.

"I have to admit your family reunion is much better," Lois said.

"Only because we're hardly spending any time with them."

"Exactly."

The old man, who had led the prayer and had heard them talking, walked over and sat beside them, "I'm Clark's great uncle Clyde," he told Lois. "So I guess I'm your uncle too now. You know my wife was just like you at these reunions. She never could cook worth a lick or do anything domestic. They eventually started treating her like a family member, a black sheep family member, but a Kent all the same."

"That's reassuring I guess. I bet you miss her."

"Not really. I'll see her as soon as I leave the reunion. She avoids the reunion like the plague when she can," he laughed, as he got up and walked off. Although he must have been in his 80s, he moved like he was in his 30s. If he owned a farm like a lot of the Kents, it probably kept him in shape.

"Okay, I like you, I like your mother, and I like your Uncle Clyde. That's enough, right?"

"He is quite a character. He's rich and sharp as a tack, even if he doesn't look it."

"Rich? Doing what?"

"Well, he studied to be a lawyer but he never practiced. He got rich solely from farming and being tight."

"I suppose we should head on back before they start to miss us."

When they got back, there was a group standing around and whispering but they stopped as soon as they saw Lois.

"The subject of that conversation isn't obvious at all," Lois said sarcastically to Clark. "You know I'd rather have someone tell me to my face that they don't like me than have them talking about me behind my back and pretending they do."

"I guess it's the difference in the way we were raised but I'd rather people spare your feelings and not be rude. Do you want to leave? We've done our duty."

"Yeah. I guess we'd better go get the watermelon basket first."

"Don't worry about it. There's no fancy dish to take back. Bertha and Myrtle have a race to see who can get the most leftovers in their cars."

"Who went and made them queens? Everyone should take home the food they brought but I guess it's less of hassle."

"So do you still want to marry me?" Clark asked, once they were in the car.

"I suppose but I hate family reunions, especially when it's an in-law reunion."

"I've got the perfect solution. How about next year we start our own family reunion, just the 2 of us?"

"Sounds good to me."

The End


End file.
